in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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