I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
