i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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