you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
