Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
