i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize