My sheets look like a crime scene.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
