I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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