I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
