apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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