I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
