True but thats because hes a fetus.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
