remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
