so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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