So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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