Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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