i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
