You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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