my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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