She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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