they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
