Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
