girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
