I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
