why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
