the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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