Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
