And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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