I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
