Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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