I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
