Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize