She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
