I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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