If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
