she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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