ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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