If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize