Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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