Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
They have beer where we have blood.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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