I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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