Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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