I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
