Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
3 2 1 whiskey
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
