i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
