Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
