Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
