she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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