He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
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