I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
