"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
COCAINE IS GR8
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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