Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
