Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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