I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize