He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you didnt know i had herpes?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
