you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Houston, we have a blender
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
