My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
