Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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