I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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