i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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