tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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