im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize