omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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