In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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