The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
