the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
